Letting Go and Holding On

I thought I would share one of the articles I wrote for the Whole Family Magazine last year with readers here, that may not have access to this local publication. I hope it is helpful and I’m looking forward to writing more regularly again here now that I’m back from my recent and lovely trip to Bali. Will share some of those experiences soon too. For now as we move into wedding “season” in North America, I thought this may help some. Happy reading everyone!

Letting Go and Holding On

Human minds have been conditioned for years and through experience, to run away from things that we dislike and to run towards things that we like. We escape to avoid discomfort, pain, and unease while we chase what brings us immediate pleasure, gratification or a sense of control. This is an interesting concept to observe and to understand. Today as we notice ourselves changing homes, jobs, and relationships too, we can see that the same principles apply. In this article I would like to walk with you, mindfully, as we take a closer look at the mind’s tendencies and how this is effecting ourselves, our families, our workplaces and the world around us too!

Letting Go

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

We’ve all heard from some close friend or family member when we go through difficult times to “just let it go.”  You may have noticed that sometimes the mind will replay such difficult times repeatedly and sometimes we may want to speak about different aspects from new thoughts about the incidents and eventually we may even act differently because of our “understanding” of the incident. Meaning, we may not speak kindly or at all with a person or about an experience that has hurt us. Here we can remind ourselves that even for criminal investigations, what people remember about incidents can change dramatically over time and that different people will remember different things. The same happens in our personal and in our professional lives. Even people who feel they have perfect memory, will be biased from their own mental perspectives. 

This means that even today two people can look at the same moment from different perspectives of the vision each carries from past life experiences. So if we go to a party and I remember it as having a fabulous spread of tasty treats because I love fruit, you may have found it awful because you are a pastry maker looking for unique baked creations. If either of us tells the other to “let it go” the “hurt” that one may feel over even that comment will be based on how much we have identified ourselves with our preferences. I might look forward to people-interaction more at parties and you may look forward to the food itself. All of this effects us when we think of “letting it go.”

Similarly, in the workplace, the more one identifies with the work or work environment, the less easy it would be to “let go” in times of change. If one loves the job, it is not easy to let go if there is job loss; if one loves finances and loses the job to get a higher paying one, it may feel easier! If another just loves working with different people, almost any job may be satisfying. So once again, it helps to know what one identifies with, to understand why we do what we do and what is it that makes letting go easier for some and less easy for others.

Once such understanding takes place, moving forward after letting go (or being let go) in any situation can be easier. Resentment, anger, guilt and judgement towards oneself or to others only builds resistance to what is. Letting go is easier when one comes from a forgiving space as Steve Maraboli’s quote clarifies above.

Remember that letting go is easier to do when moving away from what is not liked. This could be the mannerism or expectations from a loved one or coworkers. It is less easy to let go in situations that were once loved – whether a job or a relationship. These are the times to look deeply to understand oneself. When one grieves deeply, this is the best time to understand oneself deeply too. Since we are all interconnected, understanding ourselves honestly and fully often opens an awareness of understanding others too. This space of understanding allows for true forgiveness in a situation. This is the space that allows for easier letting go. Of opinions, beliefs, and judgements too. This then opens a world of possibilities that the mind will be ready to see and receive joyfully.

Holding On

The mind truly loves to hold on to what it finds pleasurable. This may be a sense-related item like food; or another sense like the touch of another. Sometimes it is the feeling of power/authority over another which can happen professionally (from teachers to lawyers to doctors or any high-position in any company), and can happen personally too when people use different tactics for similar power. 

Sometimes money is the power “weapon” and sometimes yelling is the “weapon” used. Of course many have probably heard or read of incidents where neither of these tactics have been obvious and much more drastic incidents have happened that lead to domestic and/or public violence. Some people have even learned to hold on to their “power” discreetly and secretively, and many relationship break-ups have had this history.

Can you imagine that holding on can lead to such experiences? Perhaps you know of an employee who was walked out of their office in a moment’s notice or a partner that was suddenly handed divorce papers. This happens more often than most know. When such cases go to court, the truth may be revealed but often the “truth” is on the side of the party that has done more planning and has had more financial backing to pay the extensive lawyer fees.

I hope you can see that the act of “holding on” if not accompanied by love, honesty and integrity, can easily lead to greed, jealousy, competition and anger. 

Unfortunately, many of us have also heard about all of these sorts of situations and some have also experienced them. So our minds are now filled with fears from experiences that either we have lived or have heard/read about in vivid detail. This does not give many the extra courage and confidence to hold on to what is most important. 

What is most important? Here is another time that looking within ourselves to help us understand what we value most. It may be the company of people, it may be a self-image, it may be money, and it may be love. Most people do understand that love is an ingredient that is worth holding onto. And some do love money! Only honest self-reflection can help any individual understand what lifts them up. For this article, I wanted to shed some light on these ideas to encourage each person to understand their own values and reasons for letting go or holding on to anything.

Often times, the people we find ourselves working with or living with, are looking at things from a slightly different perspective than our own, and when two people (or more) are open to clearly and fully listening to the other after truly understanding themselves individually, each person in such communication can learn something that both can value and grow from. Notice, a person needs to understand themselves first, before truly listening to another, or their minds will be filled with unconscious biases from previous memory rather than a place of understanding. To get to the place of understanding, each person benefits from working with an objective healthcare professional focused on such work. When we work on understanding ourselves, a clear and unbiased mind is most important. This then allows a person to focus on holding on to what (or who) is most important. This is what we would want from another, and it’s time we started taking personal responsibility to begin from a clear-minded space to help ourselves and help that which is important to us too.

“Never give up on someone. Sometimes the answers you are looking for are the same answers another person is looking for. Two people searching together are always better than one person alone.” ~Shannon L. Alder

Information Overload

Some people reading this article will understand the words and reflect more deeply when looking at letting go and/or holding on. Most will understand and pick up bits of details and life tomorrow will be handled in a very similar way as today. Only a tiny perecentage of readers will assimilate the information into their day-to-day activities. This is what is happening in the world around us. We are inundated with so much wonderfully-insightful information that most see or hear similar information but few apply it to their lives. If you know people who have been through heart-breaking realtionship endings or unfair employment terminations, you already know these are not rare cases since almost everyone knows someone personally effected by such a situation. Perhaps you will be part of that tiny percentage of readers that chooses to assimilate this information?!  Any person who does, will improve the quality of their own personal and professional environment and life experience. For now, try to reflect on these 3 ideas:

#1. Do you know how to listen attentively, without judgement? Judgemental thoughts and comments often sit in our minds, ready to “pounce” on another with knowledge that may be true, but is not part of the art of attentively and truly listening. Practice deep listening daily.

#2. Reflect on what you hold on to. Is it people and if so, is it with the expectation that they will behave in the way that feels right for you? If they act in a way that you do not agree with, will you avoid them, let them go, or shout at them? Would you be comfortable if they shouted, avoided you or let you go because you changed in a way that was not right for them? Remember that each of us is changing daily. Is it money you hold on to? At what cost?! (I know, “punny” but true, as I see it!) And worth reflecting on.

#3. Finally, reflect on why you you hold on to what you do. Is it the temporary pleasures that go as quickly as they arrive (like money, food, sex, acquaintences?), or the ever-steady expression from yourself (like love, acceptance, understanding and humility)? See why you hold on to whatever you do. Is it in hopes or expectation of receiving the same returned to you? Understand your intentions and motives honestly. Remember that expressing love, understanding and humility are within our hands; expecting the same from others is not. This allows us to live from a conscious creation of our lives rather than creating an unconscious world of confusion and conflict in our lives. And this is easier than it may seem.

These are the reflections that many in our world are not taking time to be mindfully-aware of daily. If we can take time to do this however, we will see that our world can shift into the accepting, peaceful and loving space that allows for the flourishing of each person. Do not let information overload distract your mind from healthy patterns of growing and evolving. It is possible. Be part of that tiny percentage.

My simple closing suggestion would be that for things that lift our spirit regularly, these are worth holding onto, and for things that bring sadness or sorrow regularly, these are worth letting go. May joy fill your hearts as you mindfully create room to receive it!