Affairs: Me vs. We Relationships

It’s been some time that I have been thinking about the energies of our thoughts, words and actions and how they interact with and effect other energies around us, and specifically in our most loving relationships. I believe that how people interact in their most intimate relationships also reflects how much loving consideration is given to other relationships, so I thought I’d share my recent thoughts about romantic relationships.

Over the past couple of years the awareness of affairs (emotional and/or physical experiences) has come up both from client experiences and my own personal interaction with people. What draws my attention most is how people look at their own roles in such situations. I most often hear “I will never put myself in such a situation again.” (notice the “me” perspective in the statement). And this may be said by any person in such a “love triangle.” Each person can feel like the “victim” in the situation from lies, deceit or repeated behaviours.

In the true dissection of such experiences, each person does play a unique role. Often a relationship is not strong/stable when a partner looks outside of the relationship (consciously or unconsciously) to find something that is “missing.” Some people who are even in reportedly polyamorous relationships will also face feelings of jealousy, hurt or un-ease at various times. More commonly I see people who are married or in serious long-term relationships with only one partner, move into interest outside of this monogamous relationship.

I feel like these are as good opportunities as any to look within to “know thyself.” I have found with the Grief Recovery work that I do, many are able to get to a place of full ownership of their own roles without blaming or shaming any of the individuals involved. Yet allowing loving consideration for their individual, personal healing too. And there are some (maybe many?) who feel they will fully heal if they can just avoid stepping outside of the relationship again. Most commonly, those I see in practice or in-person talk about focusing on their original partners, sometimes seeking marital counselling to heal the damage caused by affairs. And some leave the original partner to start fully the new relationship that began as an affair.

What’s interesting is that when such experiences are fresh, each person may say “I’m not an affair person.” And I think, if you have had an affair (physical or emotional) – you have now become an “affair person.” Many can run around in circles talking about just speaking/texting/working with another with no intention to have an affair, but I found an interesting description of “cheating” when contemplating this. It says: In general, What does constitute cheating? For most people, cheating is any behaviour in which you express romantic interest, either emotionally or physically. In general, flirting counts as cheating because it is a step above harmless banter and can develop into other romantic activities or relationships.” I have found that most often those that believe/express adamantly that they are not “affair people” are the same that have had a history of doing so more than once – this then, has become a habit (in my opinion).

Once again, all 3 parties have contributed to the experience in some way. Most notable would be the lack of clear communication to a faithful partner about the dissatisfaction in the relationship. And sometimes time apart that may occur in even long-term relationships (due to work, other responsibilities or even frequent solo-vacations), allows the “belief” that there is no harm done with cheating/affairs. Most often, a healthy conscience will let a person know what is the right or not-right thing to do.

Now you may know that often times one person in the “affair” is in a long-term relationship while the other is fully single. Sometimes both partners are having affairs with others who are in long-term relationships too. Important to note here is that either of these scenarios show very poor communication. I find that those in long-term relationships they are not ready to leave will use some familiar statements. The most common being “I’m just not happy with my relationship and I’m waiting for a good time to end it.” I suspect we’ve all heard of such scenarios and some of you who may be reading now have experienced this too. I remember in the past thinking the usual “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Today I do not believe this is so. If a person truly wants to change their ways, they will. But like any addiction, the person with such a patterns will need to fully commit to such work. And it is work.

One area I would encourage all to focus on is the area of forgiveness. I believe that if each person takes full ownership for their own roles and forgives themselves as well as the other two (who will each have experiences that the other parties will never fully know/understand) this is the place to start.

If people can move from a “me” to a “we” perspective in such situations, more healing energy will be available to all in such experiences. I’d encourage any person who is currently cheating (or thinking/fantasizing about it) to begin with: “I won’t let myself hurt anyone this way. I will communicate openly and honestly with anyone I am claiming to love.” (now notice the “we” perspective in this statement – this is one example of Unity Consciousness).

Would love to know your thoughts if you’d like to share.

With forgiving kindness to any and all of us who have been through such experiences.

Hanifa

hanifahelps@gmail.com